Repenting

I’m a big advocate of journal writing, though I don’t do it as steadily as I wish I did (and blogging interferes with it, but then I print out my blogs and put them in my journal to ease my conscience). When people tell me they are too overwhelmed to journal, I tell them that’s because they are believing, falsely, that they need to tell everything or—heaven forbid—catch up before they can benefit from it.

So I have to chide myself for putting off blogging with the excuse that too much has happened and I can never move forward until I report on the past. Not true.

So I’m going to listen to myself and move forward.

But, since I can’t resist, let me just say that big things have been happening for me, mostly in the form of a renewed encounter with the medical establishment that proved, well, devastating. But not in the way you might think—I have no bad news to report. Just dashed hopes.

Moving forward . . .

I remembered something suddenly the other day. Several years ago when I was last redefining my testimony, I formulated for myself a new definition of faith. To have faith in something, I decided, is to put trust in it. Trust like a financial trust—where I let something of value be held for me because I believe it is a safe place. And so for me, having faith means that I invest in it, put my belief (value) in that thing, and then ACT AS IF I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT MY TRUST IS SECURE (justified). The key word there is act. It is integral to my definition of faith. Faith is an acting upon belief as if it were sure knowledge.

I can’t believe that I had been forgetting this definition of faith in situations regarding my health. It took a comment from my wise friend Angela to remind me. She said that “fear is a temptation to be resisted,” and that it is wrong to view anxiety as an acceptable response to things. (In her defense, I must point out that she said these things are reminders to herself, not to criticize anyone else.) I realize that I have been indulging myself when I succumb to fear about what my symptoms mean, instead of investing my faith in the blessings I have received that tell me that all will be well. Each time I act afraid, or dissolve into frustrated tears again, I have not been ACTING as if I truly believed in these promised blessings.

Also, the fear has made me way too self-centered.

I am repenting.