It's time for some more nuggets from my workshop with poet Kurt Brown. These are somewhat random jottings that come from my class notes. So don't blame Kurt Brown for the lack of organization here--I just wrote down the things that especially applied to me at the time. What you have is "Kurt Brown as translated and sometimes mangled by Darlene Young." So here we go:
Stop thinking and start describing. "No ideas but in things"--William Carlos Williams.
Frost said if there is no surprise for the writer, there will be no surprise for the reader. Start with your trigger, then explore and surprise yourself. (Kurt mentioned the book Triggering Town,which I have read and which is good.)
Face the reader. The poem should not be directed inward to self. Outward.
Every poem is a fragment of a large narrative, a background that isn't in the poem.
Try to detach from your subject sometimes. Range. Let go of the urge to get to an end in the poem or follow it logically. Try to loop around and meander. [Note from Darlene: this addresses my biggest weakness as an artist.] If you know where you're headed before you start, your poem will be flat. Let yourself find the surprise. Think of jazz: riff (but keep the chord structure). TRY to move away, jumping, following your subconscious. Your subconscious will take care of the connections.
One of Kurt's assignments to help with this very thing was to create a poem in which we use a word from the first line (none, ver, adjective or adverb--a strong word) in the second line, then a different one from the second line in the third line, etc. Then in the last two lines, use as many of those words as you can. [I was amazed at the poem that resulted when I did this exercise. It is one of my strongest poems ever, I think. Paying more attention to the structure than what I was saying freed me up to follow my subconscious more, to meander. This exercise helped me realize how much I benefit from having a teacher to give me assignments (even if the teacher is only myself reading like a writer and thinking up projects for myself).]
A poem is an opportunity to explore what you think, not to tell everyone about some interesting, unique thought you've had. (Because no one can come up with something truly unique anyway.)
Exercises are to shake you up from your usual topics, forms, relationships with language, ruts of how you think of things. [Amen!]
Interrogate your poem. Watch for the true subject which will come clear like a lightbulb. You should be looking for it to appear about 2/3 through the poem. Then the poem transforms itself. You know you've succeeded when the last line doesn't mean the same thing as it would have if the rest of the poem hadn't come before it.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
path
Reading Jon Kabat-Zinn again. I should probably re-read him regularly. Today I read about the concept of the tao, or life as a path. This is an enlightening concept for me. As I try to analyze the source of stresses in my life, the reason behind my constantly-clenched stomach muscles, for example, or my lack of just joyous spontanaety with my kids, I realize that I have always been just so concerned with my destination. I have been so hard on myself for not already having achieved various things, and this self-criticism has done more, ironically, to keep me from making any kind of progress than anything else.
I want to give up the expectation that I reach any destinations in this life. I want to learn to love the path, to accept that I am on it and not expect myself to be anywhere else. I want to quit yearning so much and start accepting more. I think that in addition to making me a more healthy person, this will also benefit me in other ways—I will become a better mother. But not (and this is important) because I am trying to be a better mother (destination). Rather, as a side-effect of being more accepting of myself.
I can see that my children have inherited this demanding, self-criticalness, either from me or just as a result of living in this world. The best way I can help them overcome this is to show them an example of self-acceptance.
And while we’re on the subject of self-acceptance, I promised you a follow-up to my envy post. I’ve toyed with talking about the things I like about myself, or the things I am grateful for (great for November!), etc. But I think what I’ll do is address the specific things I mentioned in my first post about envy. The things I have envied are in italics. My response to them is not.
So here goes.
1. People who are extremely healthy, and people who are very strong. People who can run like antelope instead of plodding along at a half jog like I do. People who can stay up late watching TV with their spouses (and by late, I mean after 10:00).
I can get up early and exercise every day. I am not tempted to lie abed, and I get a great surge of adrenaline with each new day. (I am so aware that there are people who can’t even get out of bed all day. Thus I will never, ever take this aspect of myself for granted.) I have worked hard and can now “jog” 5 miles per hour relatively comfortable for 30 minutes. This has taken much diligence and patience because I progress very, very slowly. I am strong enough to do all I need to do (my shoulders can carry the burdens placed on them), and capable of saying yes to any request or calling. I can’t stay up late but, on the flip side, I rarely ever have insomnia and sleep right through every night.
2. Women with thick hair. Well, I have hair. I am not currently undergoing chemo. I don’t look too bad, in general, and don’t hesitate to meet other people’s eyes because I feel ugly. I am not dependent on makeup and don’t scare anyone when they catch sight of me on a no-makeup day. Women with skinny little girl bodies. My size is acceptable and relatively easy to buy clothes for. My husband thinks I’m beautiful. I feel that the sacrifice in skinniness that it took to be a mother is well worth it. Thus I am in the process of making peace with looking like a mother. (It's just a little harder to make peace with looking like a middle-aged mother.) But I like not being 22 anymore. Women who have the money and lack of guilt to make their faces look 25 when they are actually 55. I have seen some women debilitated with the fear of looking their age. I don’t have this problem (though, of course, I’d prefer to stay young-looking if I could do it naturally).
3. People who are out of debt. We are well on-track to being out of debt and not doing too badly for ourselves. I am not distracted by get-rich-quick ideas. I feel confident that God is pleased with our progress and wants us to be diligent and patient. And R has a good job that is not in jeopardy (thank goodness).
4. Amazingly gifted writers. I am no writing genius, but I have some talent so that I know I can succeed when I want to put forth the effort. Writers with amazing work ethics who are determined to succeed. Well, I don’t worry about this one very much, because I’ve found that I can work very hard on something I’m passionate about. I just haven’t found much that I care enough about yet. I’m trying to follow my heart more and not be frustrated at myself for not feeling passionate about a project. Writers who know how to trust their subconscious. I’m going to work on this one. Writers with great agents. Writers with great book deals. Famous writers. In fact, I envy anyone who can answer with ease the question I get too often, “So, what books have you published?” . I could fix that if I fixed the “passionate” problem, above. I am getting much better at not envying these things as I recognize more how much desire plays in all this. I don’t desire to complete any of these big projects all that much. Also, I’ve seen some people succeed at these things and seen that they (these things) don’t bring satisfaction. Recently I was honored at an awards ceremony for some writing I’m having a hard time caring about and the award wasn’t satisfying at all since I knew the project didn’t have my heart in it.
5. People with really close best friends that they never feel insecure about. But I do have some very close friends—people who are gifted and fascinating and caring. I am very blessed.
6. People with beautiful solo voices. But I can carry a tune decently enough to enjoy singing in choirs and small groups, and I love doing it.
7. People who can knit sweaters while holding conversations, and who know how to pick the pattern and the yarn just right. People who can spin. 8. People with the ability to memorize easily. 9. People with the desire to keep their houses really clean at all times and the enjoyment of such. 10. People with the ability to cook, and the enjoyment of such. 11. People who know how to meditate and do it well. 12. Vegetarians. But not really. However, I do envy people who eat very well because they enjoy it. These are all just a matter of effort. I need to decide to change or let it go. And quit judging others!
13. Women who know how to shop, and women who know how to dress. Women who can wear hats or scarves and look great and confident in them. Women who, even when they’re a little heavy, know well enough how to dress that they look nice all the time. Women who know how to pluck and color eyebrows. This one is harder for me, and that tells me I need to do some soul-work. This one is closer to envy than many of the others, because I sometimes find myself resenting or judging women who look very put-together. Or just better than me in general. I’ve got to find a happy medium between putting more effort into what I care about or just deciding not to care.
14. Women who come alive in the afternoon and evening hours, so that their kids get their very best. This one I can’t change (see #1—I’m a morning person). But I can put more effort into organizing my day so that I can marshal what resources I have during the hard times of day. I have seen great improvement on the days I manage to do this. This one just requires effort and patience.
15. People who got to go on Study Abroad during college. I STILL smart sometimes at the opportunities I missed when I was younger. But I am who I am because of what I did do. And I like who I am. Meanwhile, I’m going about getting into my life the things that I missed—like going to grad school next year.
16. People who love being with other people’s kids and are easygoing with them. Also, parents who constantly have fun with their kids. I’m getting better at this as I get older. Also, as I learn to let go of expectations of myself and others (the path). I look forward to enjoying improvement in this area by the time I’m a grandmother!
17. People with really great laughs. Funny people. I can’t change these but I can work on enjoying these people more instead of seething with envy. I think as I learn to loosen up more, I will learn to laugh more easily and sense more joyous moments. I am blessed to be surrounded by people with great senses of humor.
18. Those women that people refer to in Relief Society when they say, “I have a friend who is always there for me, who never judges, who silently serves.” This is one that I’ve got to just let go. I know that I have a good and well-meaning heart, that I am constantly trying to be a caring friend to those around me. Thank goodness for my strong testimony that God knows my heart and that He will let me be a blessing to others, if I desire it, even if He doesn’t let me know how and when that happens. I’m trusting in that.
I want to give up the expectation that I reach any destinations in this life. I want to learn to love the path, to accept that I am on it and not expect myself to be anywhere else. I want to quit yearning so much and start accepting more. I think that in addition to making me a more healthy person, this will also benefit me in other ways—I will become a better mother. But not (and this is important) because I am trying to be a better mother (destination). Rather, as a side-effect of being more accepting of myself.
I can see that my children have inherited this demanding, self-criticalness, either from me or just as a result of living in this world. The best way I can help them overcome this is to show them an example of self-acceptance.
And while we’re on the subject of self-acceptance, I promised you a follow-up to my envy post. I’ve toyed with talking about the things I like about myself, or the things I am grateful for (great for November!), etc. But I think what I’ll do is address the specific things I mentioned in my first post about envy. The things I have envied are in italics. My response to them is not.
So here goes.
1. People who are extremely healthy, and people who are very strong. People who can run like antelope instead of plodding along at a half jog like I do. People who can stay up late watching TV with their spouses (and by late, I mean after 10:00).
I can get up early and exercise every day. I am not tempted to lie abed, and I get a great surge of adrenaline with each new day. (I am so aware that there are people who can’t even get out of bed all day. Thus I will never, ever take this aspect of myself for granted.) I have worked hard and can now “jog” 5 miles per hour relatively comfortable for 30 minutes. This has taken much diligence and patience because I progress very, very slowly. I am strong enough to do all I need to do (my shoulders can carry the burdens placed on them), and capable of saying yes to any request or calling. I can’t stay up late but, on the flip side, I rarely ever have insomnia and sleep right through every night.
2. Women with thick hair. Well, I have hair. I am not currently undergoing chemo. I don’t look too bad, in general, and don’t hesitate to meet other people’s eyes because I feel ugly. I am not dependent on makeup and don’t scare anyone when they catch sight of me on a no-makeup day. Women with skinny little girl bodies. My size is acceptable and relatively easy to buy clothes for. My husband thinks I’m beautiful. I feel that the sacrifice in skinniness that it took to be a mother is well worth it. Thus I am in the process of making peace with looking like a mother. (It's just a little harder to make peace with looking like a middle-aged mother.) But I like not being 22 anymore. Women who have the money and lack of guilt to make their faces look 25 when they are actually 55. I have seen some women debilitated with the fear of looking their age. I don’t have this problem (though, of course, I’d prefer to stay young-looking if I could do it naturally).
3. People who are out of debt. We are well on-track to being out of debt and not doing too badly for ourselves. I am not distracted by get-rich-quick ideas. I feel confident that God is pleased with our progress and wants us to be diligent and patient. And R has a good job that is not in jeopardy (thank goodness).
4. Amazingly gifted writers. I am no writing genius, but I have some talent so that I know I can succeed when I want to put forth the effort. Writers with amazing work ethics who are determined to succeed. Well, I don’t worry about this one very much, because I’ve found that I can work very hard on something I’m passionate about. I just haven’t found much that I care enough about yet. I’m trying to follow my heart more and not be frustrated at myself for not feeling passionate about a project. Writers who know how to trust their subconscious. I’m going to work on this one. Writers with great agents. Writers with great book deals. Famous writers. In fact, I envy anyone who can answer with ease the question I get too often, “So, what books have you published?” . I could fix that if I fixed the “passionate” problem, above. I am getting much better at not envying these things as I recognize more how much desire plays in all this. I don’t desire to complete any of these big projects all that much. Also, I’ve seen some people succeed at these things and seen that they (these things) don’t bring satisfaction. Recently I was honored at an awards ceremony for some writing I’m having a hard time caring about and the award wasn’t satisfying at all since I knew the project didn’t have my heart in it.
5. People with really close best friends that they never feel insecure about. But I do have some very close friends—people who are gifted and fascinating and caring. I am very blessed.
6. People with beautiful solo voices. But I can carry a tune decently enough to enjoy singing in choirs and small groups, and I love doing it.
7. People who can knit sweaters while holding conversations, and who know how to pick the pattern and the yarn just right. People who can spin. 8. People with the ability to memorize easily. 9. People with the desire to keep their houses really clean at all times and the enjoyment of such. 10. People with the ability to cook, and the enjoyment of such. 11. People who know how to meditate and do it well. 12. Vegetarians. But not really. However, I do envy people who eat very well because they enjoy it. These are all just a matter of effort. I need to decide to change or let it go. And quit judging others!
13. Women who know how to shop, and women who know how to dress. Women who can wear hats or scarves and look great and confident in them. Women who, even when they’re a little heavy, know well enough how to dress that they look nice all the time. Women who know how to pluck and color eyebrows. This one is harder for me, and that tells me I need to do some soul-work. This one is closer to envy than many of the others, because I sometimes find myself resenting or judging women who look very put-together. Or just better than me in general. I’ve got to find a happy medium between putting more effort into what I care about or just deciding not to care.
14. Women who come alive in the afternoon and evening hours, so that their kids get their very best. This one I can’t change (see #1—I’m a morning person). But I can put more effort into organizing my day so that I can marshal what resources I have during the hard times of day. I have seen great improvement on the days I manage to do this. This one just requires effort and patience.
15. People who got to go on Study Abroad during college. I STILL smart sometimes at the opportunities I missed when I was younger. But I am who I am because of what I did do. And I like who I am. Meanwhile, I’m going about getting into my life the things that I missed—like going to grad school next year.
16. People who love being with other people’s kids and are easygoing with them. Also, parents who constantly have fun with their kids. I’m getting better at this as I get older. Also, as I learn to let go of expectations of myself and others (the path). I look forward to enjoying improvement in this area by the time I’m a grandmother!
17. People with really great laughs. Funny people. I can’t change these but I can work on enjoying these people more instead of seething with envy. I think as I learn to loosen up more, I will learn to laugh more easily and sense more joyous moments. I am blessed to be surrounded by people with great senses of humor.
18. Those women that people refer to in Relief Society when they say, “I have a friend who is always there for me, who never judges, who silently serves.” This is one that I’ve got to just let go. I know that I have a good and well-meaning heart, that I am constantly trying to be a caring friend to those around me. Thank goodness for my strong testimony that God knows my heart and that He will let me be a blessing to others, if I desire it, even if He doesn’t let me know how and when that happens. I’m trusting in that.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Green-eyed
I’ve been stuck on the question from the scriptures, “Are you stripped of envy?” This, combined with my current e-audiobook by Wayne Dyer, has got me convinced that my life would be much more peaceful, creative and satisfying if I could permanently eliminate envy from my life. Just since I’ve started pondering this, I have been astounded at how much of my thinking is focused on what I don’t have. I want to commit myself to a zero-tolerance policy for envy. So this post is my farewell to all those old envies.
Things I will no longer envy:
People who are extremely healthy, and people who are very strong. People who can run like antelope instead of plodding along at a half jog like I do. People who can stay up late watching TV with their spouses (and by late, I mean after 10:00).
Women with thick hair. Women with skinny little girl bodies. Women who have the money and lack of guilt to make their faces look 25 when they are actually 55.
People who are out of debt.
Amazingly gifted writers. Writers with amazing work ethics who are determined to succeed. Writers who know how to trust their subconscious. Writers with great agents. Writers with great book deals. Famous writers. In fact, I envy anyone who can answer with ease the question I get too often, “So, what books have you published?”
People with really close best friends that they never feel insecure about.
People with beautiful solo voices.
People who can knit sweaters while holding conversations, and who know how to pick the pattern and the yarn just right. People who can spin.
Vegetarians. But not really. However, I do envy people who eat very well because they enjoy it.
Women who know how to shop, and women who know how to dress. Women who can wear hats or scarves and look great and confident in them. Women who, even when they’re a little heavy, know well enough how to dress that they look nice all the time. Women who know how to pluck and color eyebrows.
Women who come alive in the afternoon and evening hours, so that their kids get their very best.
People with the ability to memorize easily.
People who got to go on Study Abroad during college.
People with the desire to keep their houses really clean at all times and the enjoyment of such.
People with the ability to cook, and the enjoyment of such.
People who love being with other people’s kids and are easygoing with them. Also, parents who constantly have fun with their kids.
People with really great laughs.
Funny people.
Those women that people refer to in Relief Society when they say, “I have a friend who is always there for me, who never judges, who silently serves.” (I don’t think anyone would say this about me. I feel like I’m always eager to serve, but never know how. I’m constantly bungling around. I want to be one of those elegant servers who know when to show up and how.)
People who know how to meditate and do it well.
Ah, man, I could go on. As I look at this list, I realize a couple of things.
First, I’m most susceptible to envy when it involves something I want but which I’m simply not willing to commit to getting. The ability to memorize, for example. Or knit, or spin, or meditate well and often. All these things I could get if I wanted them badly enough. Obviously, I don’t. So why do I waste mental energy envying people who have them? In some cases, I’ve done pretty well at making peace with my decision not to invest. The clean house, for example. It only bothers me mildly when other people have cleaner houses than mine. (The fact that it does proves that it is envy at work, not simply admiration.) But for the most part I’m willing to let that one go. If I could get used to letting other things go, like wanting to be a passionate writer, I would have more peace.
Second, envy isn’t the recognition of good things that I lack. Envy is the slight resentment towards the people who do have them. Envy is more about how I feel towards the other person and less about how I feel about their gifts. Which is why I made myself write “People who . . .” on the list instead of “the ability to . . .” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with recognizing that something might be valuable to have. The evil of envy is when I let it separate me from others because I feel inferior to them.
My goal, then, is to make my peace about the things I’m dedicated to seeking in my life, and the things I’m not going to invest in or simply can’t have (thick hair, for example). I may not have a natural gift with children, for example, but I’ll waste no more energy on wishing I were someone who does. I can use my energy to try to teach myself to be more in the moment, more loving, when I am with them. But wishing I didn’t have to work at it just wears me down.
I think that in conjunction with my decision to renounce envy, I also should commit to noticing and enjoying the things/gifts I DO have. So maybe I’ll make another list to that effect in my next blog. (Bet you’re on the edge of your seat for that one.)
Things I will no longer envy:
People who are extremely healthy, and people who are very strong. People who can run like antelope instead of plodding along at a half jog like I do. People who can stay up late watching TV with their spouses (and by late, I mean after 10:00).
Women with thick hair. Women with skinny little girl bodies. Women who have the money and lack of guilt to make their faces look 25 when they are actually 55.
People who are out of debt.
Amazingly gifted writers. Writers with amazing work ethics who are determined to succeed. Writers who know how to trust their subconscious. Writers with great agents. Writers with great book deals. Famous writers. In fact, I envy anyone who can answer with ease the question I get too often, “So, what books have you published?”
People with really close best friends that they never feel insecure about.
People with beautiful solo voices.
People who can knit sweaters while holding conversations, and who know how to pick the pattern and the yarn just right. People who can spin.
Vegetarians. But not really. However, I do envy people who eat very well because they enjoy it.
Women who know how to shop, and women who know how to dress. Women who can wear hats or scarves and look great and confident in them. Women who, even when they’re a little heavy, know well enough how to dress that they look nice all the time. Women who know how to pluck and color eyebrows.
Women who come alive in the afternoon and evening hours, so that their kids get their very best.
People with the ability to memorize easily.
People who got to go on Study Abroad during college.
People with the desire to keep their houses really clean at all times and the enjoyment of such.
People with the ability to cook, and the enjoyment of such.
People who love being with other people’s kids and are easygoing with them. Also, parents who constantly have fun with their kids.
People with really great laughs.
Funny people.
Those women that people refer to in Relief Society when they say, “I have a friend who is always there for me, who never judges, who silently serves.” (I don’t think anyone would say this about me. I feel like I’m always eager to serve, but never know how. I’m constantly bungling around. I want to be one of those elegant servers who know when to show up and how.)
People who know how to meditate and do it well.
Ah, man, I could go on. As I look at this list, I realize a couple of things.
First, I’m most susceptible to envy when it involves something I want but which I’m simply not willing to commit to getting. The ability to memorize, for example. Or knit, or spin, or meditate well and often. All these things I could get if I wanted them badly enough. Obviously, I don’t. So why do I waste mental energy envying people who have them? In some cases, I’ve done pretty well at making peace with my decision not to invest. The clean house, for example. It only bothers me mildly when other people have cleaner houses than mine. (The fact that it does proves that it is envy at work, not simply admiration.) But for the most part I’m willing to let that one go. If I could get used to letting other things go, like wanting to be a passionate writer, I would have more peace.
Second, envy isn’t the recognition of good things that I lack. Envy is the slight resentment towards the people who do have them. Envy is more about how I feel towards the other person and less about how I feel about their gifts. Which is why I made myself write “People who . . .” on the list instead of “the ability to . . .” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with recognizing that something might be valuable to have. The evil of envy is when I let it separate me from others because I feel inferior to them.
My goal, then, is to make my peace about the things I’m dedicated to seeking in my life, and the things I’m not going to invest in or simply can’t have (thick hair, for example). I may not have a natural gift with children, for example, but I’ll waste no more energy on wishing I were someone who does. I can use my energy to try to teach myself to be more in the moment, more loving, when I am with them. But wishing I didn’t have to work at it just wears me down.
I think that in conjunction with my decision to renounce envy, I also should commit to noticing and enjoying the things/gifts I DO have. So maybe I’ll make another list to that effect in my next blog. (Bet you’re on the edge of your seat for that one.)
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Highlights from my vocabulary flaschards
So, you know I took the GRE a few weeks ago. To prepare, I had a couple-hundred or so flashcards of vocabulary words. I got the words from lists of words in the prep material, and also from my own reading. I included words I had always sort of thought I knew but hadn’t been sure enough of to actually use in conversation, and words whose meanings turned out to surprise me when I read them in the prep material. I thought you might want to check out some of the highlights to see if you really know as many words as you think you do. So here are some of the highlights from my eight-inch high stack of flashcards.
Words I didn’t know but should have:
recusant: dissenter, nonconformist
juggernaut: anything that draws blind and destructive devotion. Roger also tells me it is the name of certain softball bat. Don't know how I didn't know that one.
exigent: urgent
contumely: I recognized this one from Austen, but still didn’t know what it meant. It means an insulting display of contempt.
phlegmatic: apathetic, sluggish; or self-possessed, cool.
opprobrium: disgrace.
taciturn: silent, not talkative. Tacit means “unspoken.”
eponymous: giving one’s name to something.
distaff: women’s work, or pertaining to women.
scion: descendant.
panegyric: a eulogy in praise or commendation. Similarly, encomium, despite its unfortunate similarity to meconium (and if you don’t know what this is, you’ve never delivered a baby), means a formal expression of high praise.
bellicose: hostile.
sodality: fellowship.
apotheosis: means “glorification as ideal.”
recidivism: a repeated relapse, as into crime.
bucolic: pastoral.
Weird similarities and contrasts
Sedition means resistance to lawful authority but sedulity means diligence.
Impunity and impugn are almost opposites.
Venal means “open to bribery” and venial means a kind of sin that can be forgiven.
Spendthrift is someone who squanders money, and skinflint is a miser.
Turpitude means baseness or depravity; torpor means sluggishness. So torpid means sluggish, but turbid means unclear, muddled, clouded, disturbed. Turgid means swollen or tumid, or pompous and overblown.
Abrogate: to abolish by formal means. Arrogate means to claim without right. Abnegate means “to relinquish.” Abjure means to renounce or avoid. Objurgate means to denounce vehemently.
Obdurate means stubborn or unyielding.
Moribund means “in a dying state.” Mordant, however, means “caustic or biting,” as does mordacious.
Timorous means “fearful,” but temerity means “reckless or foolish daring.”
Ingenuous means “free from restraint, artless or naïve,” while ingenious means pretty darn smart. (I actually already knew this one, but I thought it was worth pointing out.)
Dissemble means to prevaricate, but disseminate means to get the word out.
Imprecate means to curse something; it is not related to implicate.
Words I thought I knew the meaning of, at least in a general sort of way, but it turns out I really didn’t. OK, before you read what I thought these meant and what they really mean, ask yourself to define them and see how you do.
extenuate: it actually means “to lessen.” Attenuate also means “to make thin or weaken.”
nonplussed: I always thought it meant something like “unimpressed,” or “unfazed,” but it means “perplexed”
facetious. I always thought this meant something like “ironic,” because the way people use it: “I was just being facetious.” But it really just means “frivolously amusing.”
quiescent: means “motionless.” I thought it meant “agreeable,” or “amenable.”
dessicated: I thought it meant “chewed up”! Really! It actually means “dried out.” I know everyone knew that but me.
iconoclast: one who opposes established beliefs. I, well, sorta thought it meant the opposite. Kind of.
laconic: I thought this meant lazy, or apathetic. It actually means “terse and concise.”
plenary: I thought it kind of meant “seminal,” or “the main one,” but it really means “full or complete.”
sanguine: another one that I thought meant apathetic, or unmoved. This one really means “cheerful, hopeful, continent.” Consanguine, on the other hand, means “related by blood.”
salient: I thought this one meant “most applicable,” but it really means “prominent.” (You can see how they’re sort of the same. Kind of.)
Saturnine means sluggish or gloomy.
Simper does not mean a little flirty pout, as I thought it did. It means “a silly, self-conscious smile.”
Craven does not mean “insane” or even “malicious.” It means “cowardly.”
Compendium does not mean a collection. It means a brief account of a subject, a summary, or an inventory. Similary, compendious means concise (ironic, I know.)
Baleful does not mean sort of helpless and woebegone. It means “full of menace, pernicious.”
salubrious has nothing to do with saliva but means “favorable to or promoting health.”
Quixotic: OK, I already knew what this one meant, but I have been mispronouncing it for years, at least in my mind. I thought it was “keeyotic,” to resemble the correct pronunciation of Quixote.
Enervate means, illogically, “to destroy the vigor of or weaken.” Seems to me that it should mean to give MORE nerve to something, not take away nerve.
Clement. Duh, I should have known this one because of “clemency.” I kept thinking of the people at the elementary school saying we could stay in for recess “in the case of inclement weather.” But I never really knew that clement means “mild, lenient, compassionate.”
Hermetic: means “completely sealed,” or “having to do with the occult sciences.” I made a big fool of myself once when someone asked me what this meant and I tried to explain what hermeneutic meant instead. (Don’t ask me to define that one today, though.)
Blandishment is not a criticism but a flattery or cajoling.
Bemused does not mean thinking, “Hmm! Imagine that!” with a little chuckle. It actually means “bewildered, confused or muddled.”
Calumny. I think I was mixing this up with calamity. It just means slander.
Torrid does not mean tempestuous and steamy, it means scorching or burning hot with sun. (Also see torpid, above.)
Desultory does not mean apathetically or lazily, it means “jumping from one thing to another; disconnected.”
Weird words, or fun words I’m glad I discovered:
homunculus: a midget.
persiflage: light, bantering talk.
obstreperous: noisily unruly, out-of-control. Surprising I didn’t already know and use this one, being the mother of four boys.
tyro: a novice or beginner.
diurnal: having to do with daytime.
sybarite: person devoted to pleasure and luxury.
bumptious: pushy.
pusillanimous: lacking resolution. Try using that one in a sentence today.
orotund: full, rich, clear voice—or, bombastic speech.
prolix means tediously long and wordy (the opposite of compendious, I guess).
mawkish: such a great word! Means “sickly sweet or sentimental.” Describes some poetry that gets submitted to Segullah . . .
ensorcell: to bewitch. Love this one!
elutriate: to purify by washing. This is just so fun to say, with a sort of breathless, Galadriel sort of accent.
Words I didn’t know but should have:
recusant: dissenter, nonconformist
juggernaut: anything that draws blind and destructive devotion. Roger also tells me it is the name of certain softball bat. Don't know how I didn't know that one.
exigent: urgent
contumely: I recognized this one from Austen, but still didn’t know what it meant. It means an insulting display of contempt.
phlegmatic: apathetic, sluggish; or self-possessed, cool.
opprobrium: disgrace.
taciturn: silent, not talkative. Tacit means “unspoken.”
eponymous: giving one’s name to something.
distaff: women’s work, or pertaining to women.
scion: descendant.
panegyric: a eulogy in praise or commendation. Similarly, encomium, despite its unfortunate similarity to meconium (and if you don’t know what this is, you’ve never delivered a baby), means a formal expression of high praise.
bellicose: hostile.
sodality: fellowship.
apotheosis: means “glorification as ideal.”
recidivism: a repeated relapse, as into crime.
bucolic: pastoral.
Weird similarities and contrasts
Sedition means resistance to lawful authority but sedulity means diligence.
Impunity and impugn are almost opposites.
Venal means “open to bribery” and venial means a kind of sin that can be forgiven.
Spendthrift is someone who squanders money, and skinflint is a miser.
Turpitude means baseness or depravity; torpor means sluggishness. So torpid means sluggish, but turbid means unclear, muddled, clouded, disturbed. Turgid means swollen or tumid, or pompous and overblown.
Abrogate: to abolish by formal means. Arrogate means to claim without right. Abnegate means “to relinquish.” Abjure means to renounce or avoid. Objurgate means to denounce vehemently.
Obdurate means stubborn or unyielding.
Moribund means “in a dying state.” Mordant, however, means “caustic or biting,” as does mordacious.
Timorous means “fearful,” but temerity means “reckless or foolish daring.”
Ingenuous means “free from restraint, artless or naïve,” while ingenious means pretty darn smart. (I actually already knew this one, but I thought it was worth pointing out.)
Dissemble means to prevaricate, but disseminate means to get the word out.
Imprecate means to curse something; it is not related to implicate.
Words I thought I knew the meaning of, at least in a general sort of way, but it turns out I really didn’t. OK, before you read what I thought these meant and what they really mean, ask yourself to define them and see how you do.
extenuate: it actually means “to lessen.” Attenuate also means “to make thin or weaken.”
nonplussed: I always thought it meant something like “unimpressed,” or “unfazed,” but it means “perplexed”
facetious. I always thought this meant something like “ironic,” because the way people use it: “I was just being facetious.” But it really just means “frivolously amusing.”
quiescent: means “motionless.” I thought it meant “agreeable,” or “amenable.”
dessicated: I thought it meant “chewed up”! Really! It actually means “dried out.” I know everyone knew that but me.
iconoclast: one who opposes established beliefs. I, well, sorta thought it meant the opposite. Kind of.
laconic: I thought this meant lazy, or apathetic. It actually means “terse and concise.”
plenary: I thought it kind of meant “seminal,” or “the main one,” but it really means “full or complete.”
sanguine: another one that I thought meant apathetic, or unmoved. This one really means “cheerful, hopeful, continent.” Consanguine, on the other hand, means “related by blood.”
salient: I thought this one meant “most applicable,” but it really means “prominent.” (You can see how they’re sort of the same. Kind of.)
Saturnine means sluggish or gloomy.
Simper does not mean a little flirty pout, as I thought it did. It means “a silly, self-conscious smile.”
Craven does not mean “insane” or even “malicious.” It means “cowardly.”
Compendium does not mean a collection. It means a brief account of a subject, a summary, or an inventory. Similary, compendious means concise (ironic, I know.)
Baleful does not mean sort of helpless and woebegone. It means “full of menace, pernicious.”
salubrious has nothing to do with saliva but means “favorable to or promoting health.”
Quixotic: OK, I already knew what this one meant, but I have been mispronouncing it for years, at least in my mind. I thought it was “keeyotic,” to resemble the correct pronunciation of Quixote.
Enervate means, illogically, “to destroy the vigor of or weaken.” Seems to me that it should mean to give MORE nerve to something, not take away nerve.
Clement. Duh, I should have known this one because of “clemency.” I kept thinking of the people at the elementary school saying we could stay in for recess “in the case of inclement weather.” But I never really knew that clement means “mild, lenient, compassionate.”
Hermetic: means “completely sealed,” or “having to do with the occult sciences.” I made a big fool of myself once when someone asked me what this meant and I tried to explain what hermeneutic meant instead. (Don’t ask me to define that one today, though.)
Blandishment is not a criticism but a flattery or cajoling.
Bemused does not mean thinking, “Hmm! Imagine that!” with a little chuckle. It actually means “bewildered, confused or muddled.”
Calumny. I think I was mixing this up with calamity. It just means slander.
Torrid does not mean tempestuous and steamy, it means scorching or burning hot with sun. (Also see torpid, above.)
Desultory does not mean apathetically or lazily, it means “jumping from one thing to another; disconnected.”
Weird words, or fun words I’m glad I discovered:
homunculus: a midget.
persiflage: light, bantering talk.
obstreperous: noisily unruly, out-of-control. Surprising I didn’t already know and use this one, being the mother of four boys.
tyro: a novice or beginner.
diurnal: having to do with daytime.
sybarite: person devoted to pleasure and luxury.
bumptious: pushy.
pusillanimous: lacking resolution. Try using that one in a sentence today.
orotund: full, rich, clear voice—or, bombastic speech.
prolix means tediously long and wordy (the opposite of compendious, I guess).
mawkish: such a great word! Means “sickly sweet or sentimental.” Describes some poetry that gets submitted to Segullah . . .
ensorcell: to bewitch. Love this one!
elutriate: to purify by washing. This is just so fun to say, with a sort of breathless, Galadriel sort of accent.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The worst music video ever.
I stole this shamelessly from Chris Bigelow. Warning: it will take several weeks to get this song out of your head.
I especially like the jewelry worn by the, um, dashingly sexy male lead. Yeah.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPnGPIMUnus
p.s. You really need to watch it a few times to fully appreciate all the details and nuances.
I especially like the jewelry worn by the, um, dashingly sexy male lead. Yeah.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPnGPIMUnus
p.s. You really need to watch it a few times to fully appreciate all the details and nuances.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Feeling Safe
I was thinking today about my decision to stay home with my children instead of working while hubby was in grad school. We have some friends who made a different decision, and that decision worked out really well for them financially. I can’t complain because we are doing fine financially as well—and even if we weren’t, I wouldn’t regret my decision. Still, it makes me wonder . . . did they experience any bad effects from that choice? Do I wish that they did?
My musings on this subject led me to another subject, which is really what I want to talk about here. Here it is: I feel reluctant sometimes to discuss my feelings about things like this because I am so conservative and I don’t want to offend people. But it is strange to me that this is so. Has Relief Society become so accepting of differences and so open to exceptions that we no longer feel safe in discussing (or advocating) conservative choices?
I feel so blessed that I grew up in a more liberal church. By “more liberal,” I mean a church that encourages acceptance and even the embracing of differences. A church that has, during my lifetime, switched to encouraging men to put their families first, help out at home once in a while, be sensitive to the physical and emotional needs and limits of their wives. Most of my adult life has been spent in a post-Chieko Okazaki Relief Society, in which we make sure we bend over backwards not to offend the woman sitting next to us who might have chosen, as Okazaki did, to work outside of the home while others cared for her children.
I LIKE this change.
And yet . . . and yet I remain the kind of woman who chose to stay home with my children, even though it was hard, because the prophet suggested I do so. I am glad I did, and I got many blessings by doing so, but the biggest reason I did was because of that. But I don’t feel that I could say that, just that way, in Relief Society, or even on some on-line forums that pride themselves on being “safe places.” The thing is, we’ve made everything so safe for people who are not strict in their following of church guidelines, or people who wonder, or people who don’t fit into the traditional LDS woman types. But have we made these places less safe for people who are strict with themselves and traditional? Do we give as much respect to the “hardliners” for strictness as we do to the women who have made other choices? Do we try as hard to make sure these more conservative women feel like they won’t be attacked or ostracized for sharing their feelings and opinions as we do the others? (I’m not talking here about tolerating intolerance. I’m just talking about making sure people feel safe and respected.)
What do you think? Have there been times when you have hesitated to share a more conservative opinion or feeling because you feel like you won’t be respected or you might be attacked?
My musings on this subject led me to another subject, which is really what I want to talk about here. Here it is: I feel reluctant sometimes to discuss my feelings about things like this because I am so conservative and I don’t want to offend people. But it is strange to me that this is so. Has Relief Society become so accepting of differences and so open to exceptions that we no longer feel safe in discussing (or advocating) conservative choices?
I feel so blessed that I grew up in a more liberal church. By “more liberal,” I mean a church that encourages acceptance and even the embracing of differences. A church that has, during my lifetime, switched to encouraging men to put their families first, help out at home once in a while, be sensitive to the physical and emotional needs and limits of their wives. Most of my adult life has been spent in a post-Chieko Okazaki Relief Society, in which we make sure we bend over backwards not to offend the woman sitting next to us who might have chosen, as Okazaki did, to work outside of the home while others cared for her children.
I LIKE this change.
And yet . . . and yet I remain the kind of woman who chose to stay home with my children, even though it was hard, because the prophet suggested I do so. I am glad I did, and I got many blessings by doing so, but the biggest reason I did was because of that. But I don’t feel that I could say that, just that way, in Relief Society, or even on some on-line forums that pride themselves on being “safe places.” The thing is, we’ve made everything so safe for people who are not strict in their following of church guidelines, or people who wonder, or people who don’t fit into the traditional LDS woman types. But have we made these places less safe for people who are strict with themselves and traditional? Do we give as much respect to the “hardliners” for strictness as we do to the women who have made other choices? Do we try as hard to make sure these more conservative women feel like they won’t be attacked or ostracized for sharing their feelings and opinions as we do the others? (I’m not talking here about tolerating intolerance. I’m just talking about making sure people feel safe and respected.)
What do you think? Have there been times when you have hesitated to share a more conservative opinion or feeling because you feel like you won’t be respected or you might be attacked?
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Just a little thing . . .
I found out this week that my novel (yes, that one) placed second in the Utah Arts Council contest YA division! The prize for second place is $750! That's by far the most I've ever won with my writing.
It's weird to me to observe my own reaction to this. Because as recently as two years ago, I would be head-over-heels giddy ("ebullient," one of my new GRE words) with thrills over this award. But now, although I can't say that I'm not glad, it's not as exciting. Why?
I think it's because I'm stuck (again). This novel has some good writing in it (and that's probably why it won) but it just isn't where I'd like it to be and I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT. If it were published tomorrow, I would feel faintly embarrassed that it represented me and my mind and my skill. And yet I know it has merit (guess this contest proves it even more than the agent interest), so it irritates me to abandon it. I'm stuck in this place where I don't want to work on it and don't want to let it go.
The other reason that I am not quite so thrilled is that I've been doing this long enough now (and I have dear friends who are better at it and more published than I am who have shared their experiences) to know that in the end it doesn't matter if others like it, or how many others like it, or even if it does get published--at least, not in the long term. By "doesn't matter," I mean, no writing success is going to make me feel like a permanent writing success, or like a more valuable person. The same insecurities are still there, the same fears.
And, besides all that, the number of people who are impressed by such things is pretty darn small. Even in my extended family, who try their hardest to be happy for me, no one is going to keep mentioning it to me, keep being awed by it. The most I can ask of anyone is an "All right! Good for you!" or maybe a "Can I read it?" (which isn't always that great either, since it often comes from people who had no interest whatsoever in what I'd written until they heard it won something), which sentiments pass very quickly and then all is forgotten.
I can only remind people of my great accomplishments so many times. Thank goodness my husband doesn't mind my, "By the way, did you know I won 2nd place? And also got a 1450 on the GRE?" comments that come twice daily (or more). He even acts enthusiastic--but, really, how much can I expect of the poor guy who doesn't read poetry or literary fiction at all? That's a lot of pressure for one guy to carry--being my cheerleader.
So I've learned that I've got to be doing this writing stuff for my own satisfaction, for the enjoyment of the process, because in the end that will be my real, and perhaps only, reward. Although the $750 is nice. I'd like to spend it on a really cool couch or something but it'll go right into the grad school fund.
It's weird to me to observe my own reaction to this. Because as recently as two years ago, I would be head-over-heels giddy ("ebullient," one of my new GRE words) with thrills over this award. But now, although I can't say that I'm not glad, it's not as exciting. Why?
I think it's because I'm stuck (again). This novel has some good writing in it (and that's probably why it won) but it just isn't where I'd like it to be and I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT. If it were published tomorrow, I would feel faintly embarrassed that it represented me and my mind and my skill. And yet I know it has merit (guess this contest proves it even more than the agent interest), so it irritates me to abandon it. I'm stuck in this place where I don't want to work on it and don't want to let it go.
The other reason that I am not quite so thrilled is that I've been doing this long enough now (and I have dear friends who are better at it and more published than I am who have shared their experiences) to know that in the end it doesn't matter if others like it, or how many others like it, or even if it does get published--at least, not in the long term. By "doesn't matter," I mean, no writing success is going to make me feel like a permanent writing success, or like a more valuable person. The same insecurities are still there, the same fears.
And, besides all that, the number of people who are impressed by such things is pretty darn small. Even in my extended family, who try their hardest to be happy for me, no one is going to keep mentioning it to me, keep being awed by it. The most I can ask of anyone is an "All right! Good for you!" or maybe a "Can I read it?" (which isn't always that great either, since it often comes from people who had no interest whatsoever in what I'd written until they heard it won something), which sentiments pass very quickly and then all is forgotten.
I can only remind people of my great accomplishments so many times. Thank goodness my husband doesn't mind my, "By the way, did you know I won 2nd place? And also got a 1450 on the GRE?" comments that come twice daily (or more). He even acts enthusiastic--but, really, how much can I expect of the poor guy who doesn't read poetry or literary fiction at all? That's a lot of pressure for one guy to carry--being my cheerleader.
So I've learned that I've got to be doing this writing stuff for my own satisfaction, for the enjoyment of the process, because in the end that will be my real, and perhaps only, reward. Although the $750 is nice. I'd like to spend it on a really cool couch or something but it'll go right into the grad school fund.
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