Well, it’s goin’.
I still feel strongly that I will get in. Both because I have felt so settled about it all along and because the odds are pretty good. Also because I can’t imagine anything else for me for next year.
The magic is gone. I used to be so excited about it all, and now I feel just draggy and sad and tired. And, despite the reassurances of the guy I spoke to at BYU that I had easily made the first cut--which means I have been deemed capable of succeeding in the program--I am doubting my abilities. If/when I get in, I will go in cowed, worried. Maybe I will slink in. Which is not what I had imagined for myself at all. This has been my biggest loss through all this, the biggest price I’ve paid.
And, if I let it, this doubting feeling can infect me and bring me very far down. All writers vacillate between thinking their work is something special (or we wouldn’t bother trying to get it published at all) and thinking that they are the biggest frauds out there. All of my doubts have risen to the surface and are having a party. Have I been fooling myself all along that I might be able to write?
Here is where your encouragement, dear blog readers, has been so helpful to me. So life-savingly helpful. Thank you, thank you for your comments.
(I should say here that the guy I spoke to at BYU sounded very positive about my application and made me feel a little better. He’s doing more research and will have more info for me soon about why I was placed where I was, but it seems that the reason is not obvious on the surface, anyway. Which is good and bad. Good, because it’s nice to know that I’m not obviously below standard. Bad, because it may have come down to a matter of personal preference—the preference being expressed by the very teachers I had hoped to study with. Which makes me feel awfully awkward about meeting them in class this fall. I’ll be sitting in a class knowing the teacher said about me, “She’s obviously prepared for this program but I’d rather not be teaching her.”)
Then there is the little question that comes up every so often: what if I DON’T get in? What if this is the year they don’t draw from their alternate list? What in the world will I do with myself next year, all year long? Should I try to work? At what? My kids are in year-round school, which means they are home for all of September, December, March and parts of May. I can’t stick them in day care for those times. I could substitute teach, I suppose. But if I did, who would get my kids off to school in the mornings? If I do think I might teach, I should probably renew my teacher’s license, which expires this summer. But I am one credit short—should I quickly complete a one-credit independent study class?
My mind goes in circles. I still believe I’ll be in grad school this fall. How silly to lose faith in that and rush off to take a class. But what if? What if what if what if what if?
So that’s where I am. Trying to float on my back in this little pool of waiting, but occasionally forgetting to breathe and sinking down and sputtering around for a while until I can get myself stretched out again.
In other news (is there really any other news? Yes, yes, my life is bigger than all this) my ESL student, Maria, recently took another placement test. We were both delighted to find out that in the 18 months I've been teaching her she has gone from level one to level five!!!! This is one hard-working chica. I'm very proud of her.
And child #2 got an A+ on his (huge) Egyptian project (the one for which I had to find him an Egyptian "costume" five minutes before school). We got the news this week that he was accepted into the honors program in middle school. He has chosen NOT to go to the ALPS junior high. Child #3 and his parents attended our first Anger Management class last night. He and #4 got the letters that they were accepted into ALPS again next year. Seems there are a lot of people getting acceptances around here . . .