Today is my mother’s birthday. She is not here, but has gone on ahead to some place where I imagine she can eat all the bowls of ice cream and popcorn she wants, without having to put down her book, even. Knowing her, she’s been playing Christmas music for a month already (Johnny Mathis, Singers Unlimited) and is dancing around the room to it. Maybe she’s finally polished “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” on the piano which, along with “The Impossible Dream” makes up her entire piano repertoire since she never had lessons and taught the two songs to herself by ear.
I miss you, Mom. Dad’s new wife was probably hand-picked by you and is a fabulous, fabulous grandmother to my kids and friend to me. But I still remember your smell and I think of it when I am sick, staring up at the ceiling in bed yet again. I don’t know what kind of relationship we would have now, but I like to think that we would be friends, having forgiven each other of all of our clumsinesses those first twenty years, having both realized that we were both doing the best we could.
The thing I want you to know today is that when I picture you, I picture you enjoying things. Enjoying that piano, that good book, that Christmas music. I picture you full of joy. You taught me that, Mom. Life—not just this life, but all existence--is for joy. And, when all is said and done, what better definition of a successful mother could there be than one who has taught her children that?
I love you, Mom. You did a good job. Happy birthday.
5 comments:
Darlene,
Enjoyed your thoughts about your mom. It's hard being the firstborn in a family. I was wondering if you find yourself treating your first child differently. Mine is a senior now and I wish I could go back and enjoy him more.
Kristen
Hey, Kristen, is that you? You're not talking about G, are you? Is he THAT old?
I can't help treating my firstborn like a firstborn. I do some things in reaction to how I was raised (always making sure he gets to count babysitting as his chore, or paying him, for example, instead of just assuming he will) but the fact is that I need him to act like a firstborn, so I treat him so. I figure it all comes out in the wash, eventually. God's in charge, and He sent A to us first, so it must be OK that he is a first.
Isn't it weird how we see them getting older and we panic? Only x years until he leaves me and isn't mine anymore! Oh no! But then, in the day-to-day moments, we just go on living together. I guess that's how it has to be.
Hey, Kristen, is that you? You're not talking about G, are you? Is he THAT old?
I can't help treating my firstborn like a firstborn. I do some things in reaction to how I was raised (always making sure he gets to count babysitting as his chore, or paying him, for example, instead of just assuming he will) but the fact is that I need him to act like a firstborn, so I treat him so. I figure it all comes out in the wash, eventually. God's in charge, and He sent A to us first, so it must be OK that he is a first.
Isn't it weird how we see them getting older and we panic? Only x years until he leaves me and isn't mine anymore! Oh no! But then, in the day-to-day moments, we just go on living together. I guess that's how it has to be.
One of my friends who's just a couple years older than I am but who married very young sent her oldest off to BYU this fall -- and I realized that the 9 more years I thought I had with Isaac (before he goes on his mission) is only 8 years if he goes away to school. I don't know why I never thought of that before. Whether 8 years or 9 years just isn't nearly enough to teach him everything I'd like to (especially considering how many things I've so far entirely neglected,) but, as you said, you just have to hope and pray that doing your best to live a good life in your daily life will somehow be enough.
I suppose it would be strange to say "A happy belated birthday to your Mom." My Mom had a VERY difficult relationship with my grandma, who died when my Mom was about 32 (and long before they'd resolved all their differences, if they ever would have,) and I've watched her go through a similar process to yours of forgiveness and of acceptance for her Mom's best efforts. (Not to imply that your Mom's best efforts weren't far ahead of my Grandma's best efforts.) (Sorry Grandma, if you're watching! I love you!)
Darlene,
G is a senior and he has been taking university classes as well. He will graduate high school and have earned his A.S. too. I can't believe it...
I have to share a moment from his Junior year. Up here they have a Jr. Promenade. I had no idea about this long standing small town tradition. (The parents go watch the students be presented and perform a dance.) Little did I know that after this the guys dance with their mothers. I was 7 months pregnant on the dance floor with my 16 year old son.
He was a good sport!
I'm looking forward to a Christmas update!!!
Kristen
Post a Comment