I've been thinking a lot about fear. It seems that I have gotten into the habit of it. First, I've got this bad habit (after a year of illness) of doing an almost constant scan of my body, making note of all of the ways that I don't feel 100% well. I'm really doing quite well, but I'm sure that anyone, at any given time, has some kind of ache or unease somewhere—that's part of having the complicated machine that is a body. But normal, "well" people don't pay attention to the little things. I do, because I am afraid. "Does that mean I'm still not well? Is it another clue about what's been ailing me?"
I'm sick of the fear. I'm ready to be done with it.
I fear other things, too. One of the very deepest reared its ugly head yesterday. We had a Relief Society lesson on service, which was taught by a woman who served a mission at the Humanitarian Center. She showed a video that came from the Center that included lots of footage of starving kids, refugees, etc. I cried all through it—not out of pity for the people who have real problems (though I do feel that, deeply)—but out of my own frustration at my inability to feel like I am doing any real good in the world, and my inability to know what it is God would like to have me do right now. This is an old struggle for me. I have asked for so many blessings, so much counsel on the subject. I am deeply envious of people who seem to feel guided by God at every juncture of their lives, big and small. Currently, I feel this great void when I ask for guidance about what I ought to be involved in.
So I keep stumbling along, not really "anxiously engaged,"—more like "anxiously bumbling"—dabbling here and there in the good causes that surround me. I want to feel a great mission. I want to be called. I'm at the point where I have more free time, but not really structured free time, so I can't get a job or go back to school yet. But I could be doing SOMETHING.
So where does the fear fit in? I don't really think that God is going to punish me for not guessing His mind and picking the right good thing to be involved in. I guess what I'm afraid of is wasted time. I'm afraid of my own regrets. Of course, at the root of this is a failure to live in the present (AGAIN). I'm not only skipping to the future, but I'm skipping to the future of looking back to the past! Please!
Sigh. I see that my life will be a sequence of cycles, dealing again and again with the same issues.