I am sick. As in ill. Probably just a virus, or a sinus infection, but it’s got me feeling like kitty litter.
So I dragged my sorry self to the Smith’s Express Care. I shouldn’t have. I should have done what logic says and stayed home for several more days in case it is a stupid virus.
Because when I got there, a sweet Physician’s Assitant named Meghan who is about my age talked down to me for half an hour. And what did I do in response? Cry.
When I’m sick, I cry. I lose all self-control (but not my sense of shame about it). So, when she began by saying I should probably not even pay to see her because I probably have a virus and “Viruses can’t be cured by antibiotics, you know,” I was so humiliated at how stupid she thought I was that I burst into tears. So then, of course, she talked even more down to me, “Oh, sweetheart, what’s been going on in your life lately?” And I wanted to scream, “NOTHING!!! MY LIFE’S FANTASTIC! EXCEPT THAT I’M BLOOMIN’ SICK AND YOU’RE TALKING TO ME LIKE I’M TEN!!!!!” But, no, I just cried harder.
It was awful.
How could she know what kind of baggage I have about being seen by health-care professionals? How could she know that I’ve heard the virus/antibiotic lecture hundreds of times (who wouldn’t, raising kids?)? She was just doing her best, bless her heart.
And then, because I was out already, and the kids were whiny because I had promised them they could spend their birthday money at Smiths because I thought it was a super-center with a toy aisle and then it wasn’t, I had to stop at Target for them. And, since I was there, I had to buy two bridal shower presents. I hate shopping for bridal shower presents. Why is it that everything people register for costs twice as much as it should? And hardly any of it under $30? How can you tell someone, “I’d like to go to your shower, but I can’t afford to”? Because it’s so humiliating to sit in that circle and watch the bride-to-be open everyone’s $30 presents and then your little pair of hand towels. The whole thing is so awkward for me. Should I pay more than I can afford because I’m selfish if I don’t? Anyway, on top of the being mad at myself for wasting my money on the virus lecture, it was painful to spend more on presents for people I hardly know.
Selfish, sick, whiny, disgusting, pitiful me.