Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm really having a hard time with my health. It's a long, long story, but the short version is that I got on some drugs to help what we thought was the problem and things have gotten worse.
I am getting rather tired of this.
Please, please keep me in your prayers. I have faith that I will be healed—I have been promised that I will. Please pray with me for specific things: that I will be able to get in to see the right doctor (it's hard to get in to ANYONE, let alone someone who listens and cares), that this doctor will be inspired, that we will find the cause of my trouble and the right treatment for it, that I will be able to separate my anxiety about my symptoms from the symptoms themselves and have some peace, insight and patience. I will not give up petitioning the Lord. Please help me in this.
Thanks for your love and prayers. I'm grateful so many people care about me.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Well, since you asked . . .
You did ask, right? (more on yoga) (Song running around in my head: Wierd-Al Yankovick singing "yo- yo- yo- yo- YO DA.")
I’ve tried yoga before, but it was always as an exercise program, and not as a spiritual discipline. So I was too eager for results. I wanted to see progress quickly, particularly in my flexibility, but also in strength and maybe, if I did rigorous yoga, cardiovascularly. All of which is the WRONG, WRONG approach to yoga.
The point to yoga is to listen to your body and accept it as it is. It works when you do it mindfully (which can often mean “slowly” and “more gently than you think”) and as a meditation.
So this time I began with the meditation, because I was recovering and stuck in bed. I read a book called “Full Catastrophe Living” by Jon Kabat-Zin. If you’re looking for a book just on yoga, this isn’t it, but I sure recommend it as a beginning to your yoga practice. The point is that through meditation, whether you do it formally or as a part of your yoga, you learn to accept your body as it is, which frees it to do its own healing and progress in its own ways. Then when you do your yoga, it’s more intense, more healing, harder work and more energizing. (Kabat-Zin has a set of cd’s that I checked out of the library that walk you through your first experiences with meditation and yoga. I highly recommend them. I’ve been using a video I have as well—not that great, but because of the training I got from the cd’s I can still benefit from it.)
You can’t rush yoga. Don’t do it if you’re looking for results. Do it if you’re looking for peace. And you’ll get results as an added benefit!
If you would like to have yoga in your life but don’t want to get into all the meditation stuff (and I’m sorry for you because you’re missing out!), you still can do it right if you are careful. I would HIGHLY recommend taking a yoga class, because your teacher will show you how the breathing and mindfulness goes along with the movements. If you just do it from a book or video, you might mistakenly think that it’s the movements and the exercising that are important--and you’d miss the point completely.
So there it is: it worked for me this time because I came at it from a meditative standpoint. I don’t think it would have otherwise. But with a good teacher you could probably learn both together.
By the way, if you just check out the Kabat-Zin cd’s but don’t read the book, I think you’ll be frustrated. It’s very, very slow yoga, very meditative.
I’ve tried yoga before, but it was always as an exercise program, and not as a spiritual discipline. So I was too eager for results. I wanted to see progress quickly, particularly in my flexibility, but also in strength and maybe, if I did rigorous yoga, cardiovascularly. All of which is the WRONG, WRONG approach to yoga.
The point to yoga is to listen to your body and accept it as it is. It works when you do it mindfully (which can often mean “slowly” and “more gently than you think”) and as a meditation.
So this time I began with the meditation, because I was recovering and stuck in bed. I read a book called “Full Catastrophe Living” by Jon Kabat-Zin. If you’re looking for a book just on yoga, this isn’t it, but I sure recommend it as a beginning to your yoga practice. The point is that through meditation, whether you do it formally or as a part of your yoga, you learn to accept your body as it is, which frees it to do its own healing and progress in its own ways. Then when you do your yoga, it’s more intense, more healing, harder work and more energizing. (Kabat-Zin has a set of cd’s that I checked out of the library that walk you through your first experiences with meditation and yoga. I highly recommend them. I’ve been using a video I have as well—not that great, but because of the training I got from the cd’s I can still benefit from it.)
You can’t rush yoga. Don’t do it if you’re looking for results. Do it if you’re looking for peace. And you’ll get results as an added benefit!
If you would like to have yoga in your life but don’t want to get into all the meditation stuff (and I’m sorry for you because you’re missing out!), you still can do it right if you are careful. I would HIGHLY recommend taking a yoga class, because your teacher will show you how the breathing and mindfulness goes along with the movements. If you just do it from a book or video, you might mistakenly think that it’s the movements and the exercising that are important--and you’d miss the point completely.
So there it is: it worked for me this time because I came at it from a meditative standpoint. I don’t think it would have otherwise. But with a good teacher you could probably learn both together.
By the way, if you just check out the Kabat-Zin cd’s but don’t read the book, I think you’ll be frustrated. It’s very, very slow yoga, very meditative.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Update, February 1
Just thought I'd let you know how I've been doing on my New Year's resolutions. As you may remember, I hoped to continue my meditation and yoga practices and to complete the 8-week course I had begun. I've just finished week six, and can proudly say that I haven't missed a day.
The cool thing about this particular course is that one of the requirements is that you don't judge whether it is benefiting you, until you have completed it. The point to that is that you free yourself to experience it in the moment instead of always judging whether you are getting "results." The ultimate result is, of course, a greater skill at doing just that: living, instead of looking for results. Being in the moment. Being aware. Accepting with grace whatever life brings to you because it is life, and you are aware of it.
All hard to explain to someone who has not at least tried it out.
But I'm going to break the rule here and do an evaluation. Have I benefited from my practice?
Absolutely. Positively. No doubt.
I'm embarrassed to even describe the ways I've grown because I know I'll sound like just another gospel hobbyist. So I'll say it this way: I believe God led me to this at this point in my life because it was exactly what I needed and what I was ready for. It has brought me so much joy that I want to proselyte about it, but I know that I wasn't ready for it at other times in my life and would have just thought it was kooky. So I forgive you for not jumping on the bandwagon. (Yikes—now I'm starting to sound like I'm saying, "When you progress to MY level, THEN you'll know the value of this. No, I don't mean it that way—but just that it was what I needed now. If you think you might be needing something like this, I'd love to share it with you.)
So, in general terms, I believe I have become more patient, more in-the-moment, more peaceful. I've had a change in my beliefs about how God works with us, how He loves us, how our individual plans work out over time. I feel stronger spiritually.
It's hard for me to know, though, whether this is all because of the meditation or whether it is also a result of being so very sick and frightened for a while.
You see, I have been very sick. Most recently I have had trouble breathing and other odd things, unexplained things, things that make me start wondering why I should have health when others don't. Why shouldn't I get cancer, too? Or a long-term, debilitating chronic illness? I've had a lot of fear about that, and done a lot of pleading/bargaining with God. So now that I really think I've turned a corner health-wise, I am just grateful to be alive and getting better.
In case you're curious, this week I was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia. ["Is nothing sacred?" you are asking yourself. "Will this girl keep nothing private?" Well, I've never been a very private person. I don't mind your knowing.] The really great thing about this diagnosis is that it explains the breathlessness and other things that have been going on (at least, we hope it explains it). How refreshing to read all the testimonials on the internet about people going to emergency rooms, pulmonologists, etc., getting CT scans of their lungs, fearing asthma, etc.—and then these people are diagnosed with hiatal hernia and are helped by "the little purple pill." It's just so nice to know WHY!!! And that I'm not alone! I haven't found the right little purple pill, but I will and all will be well.
ANYWAY, I talked about the general benefits of my practice. I've had some SPECIFIC breakthroughs as well. (This part will probably mean nothing to you or sound kooky if you haven't tried meditation seriously.) For example, today as I was meditating, I reached a point where I could visualize/feel light from God entering my entire body with each breath. It was the sweetest feeling, and I knew that it was what God intended—that He is always near, to be breathed in if we are aware of it. I enjoyed imagining this light changing my physical make-up, making me more godly: a sort of sacrament. It was a beautiful experience. I hope I can get it back again sometime.
Another specific thing that probably sounds silly: I've begun to see how I use my knitting as meditation. I've found that when I am feeling particularly tired or ill but I need to still be up (social situations, for example), I can get out my knitting and it centers me, keeps me calm and keeps fear (of my unexplained symptoms) at bay. Probably people think I am not giving them the attention they deserve when I knit in their presence, but really I am doing it to enable me to be with them more (instead of going to bed). I guess I should write a book: Zen and the Art of Knitting.
As far as the yoga goes—that's the BEST part. I am so in love with yoga these days. It was the perfect thing to rehabilitate my body after being in bed so long. I am still doing very gentle, slow yoga, but look forward to doing more vigorous kinds as well. I used to be afraid of doing yoga because of the time it took; I didn't want to spend my precious half-hour of exercise doing "just" yoga because then I wouldn't get my cardiovascular in and I MIGHT GET FAT. Once I changed in my attitude from wanting to exercise in order to stay thin to wanting to exercise to experience the joy of moving a healthy body, the fear disappeared. I'm convinced that doing yoga daily, even gentle yoga, even with no other exercise, would still keep me thin because I am doing it mindfully, joyfully, and because it leads me to see my body differently and eat differently.
I could be wrong about that, though. I can't judge that one based on the last six weeks because I have lost weight due to illness. We'll see. Meanwhile, I think I'll take up walking as well just to get the benefit of being outside and moving my body mindfully that way.
So there you have it. One Girl's Experience With Yoga and Meditation. I'll try not to go kooky on you, but don't mind me if I like to share my joy.
The cool thing about this particular course is that one of the requirements is that you don't judge whether it is benefiting you, until you have completed it. The point to that is that you free yourself to experience it in the moment instead of always judging whether you are getting "results." The ultimate result is, of course, a greater skill at doing just that: living, instead of looking for results. Being in the moment. Being aware. Accepting with grace whatever life brings to you because it is life, and you are aware of it.
All hard to explain to someone who has not at least tried it out.
But I'm going to break the rule here and do an evaluation. Have I benefited from my practice?
Absolutely. Positively. No doubt.
I'm embarrassed to even describe the ways I've grown because I know I'll sound like just another gospel hobbyist. So I'll say it this way: I believe God led me to this at this point in my life because it was exactly what I needed and what I was ready for. It has brought me so much joy that I want to proselyte about it, but I know that I wasn't ready for it at other times in my life and would have just thought it was kooky. So I forgive you for not jumping on the bandwagon. (Yikes—now I'm starting to sound like I'm saying, "When you progress to MY level, THEN you'll know the value of this. No, I don't mean it that way—but just that it was what I needed now. If you think you might be needing something like this, I'd love to share it with you.)
So, in general terms, I believe I have become more patient, more in-the-moment, more peaceful. I've had a change in my beliefs about how God works with us, how He loves us, how our individual plans work out over time. I feel stronger spiritually.
It's hard for me to know, though, whether this is all because of the meditation or whether it is also a result of being so very sick and frightened for a while.
You see, I have been very sick. Most recently I have had trouble breathing and other odd things, unexplained things, things that make me start wondering why I should have health when others don't. Why shouldn't I get cancer, too? Or a long-term, debilitating chronic illness? I've had a lot of fear about that, and done a lot of pleading/bargaining with God. So now that I really think I've turned a corner health-wise, I am just grateful to be alive and getting better.
In case you're curious, this week I was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia. ["Is nothing sacred?" you are asking yourself. "Will this girl keep nothing private?" Well, I've never been a very private person. I don't mind your knowing.] The really great thing about this diagnosis is that it explains the breathlessness and other things that have been going on (at least, we hope it explains it). How refreshing to read all the testimonials on the internet about people going to emergency rooms, pulmonologists, etc., getting CT scans of their lungs, fearing asthma, etc.—and then these people are diagnosed with hiatal hernia and are helped by "the little purple pill." It's just so nice to know WHY!!! And that I'm not alone! I haven't found the right little purple pill, but I will and all will be well.
ANYWAY, I talked about the general benefits of my practice. I've had some SPECIFIC breakthroughs as well. (This part will probably mean nothing to you or sound kooky if you haven't tried meditation seriously.) For example, today as I was meditating, I reached a point where I could visualize/feel light from God entering my entire body with each breath. It was the sweetest feeling, and I knew that it was what God intended—that He is always near, to be breathed in if we are aware of it. I enjoyed imagining this light changing my physical make-up, making me more godly: a sort of sacrament. It was a beautiful experience. I hope I can get it back again sometime.
Another specific thing that probably sounds silly: I've begun to see how I use my knitting as meditation. I've found that when I am feeling particularly tired or ill but I need to still be up (social situations, for example), I can get out my knitting and it centers me, keeps me calm and keeps fear (of my unexplained symptoms) at bay. Probably people think I am not giving them the attention they deserve when I knit in their presence, but really I am doing it to enable me to be with them more (instead of going to bed). I guess I should write a book: Zen and the Art of Knitting.
As far as the yoga goes—that's the BEST part. I am so in love with yoga these days. It was the perfect thing to rehabilitate my body after being in bed so long. I am still doing very gentle, slow yoga, but look forward to doing more vigorous kinds as well. I used to be afraid of doing yoga because of the time it took; I didn't want to spend my precious half-hour of exercise doing "just" yoga because then I wouldn't get my cardiovascular in and I MIGHT GET FAT. Once I changed in my attitude from wanting to exercise in order to stay thin to wanting to exercise to experience the joy of moving a healthy body, the fear disappeared. I'm convinced that doing yoga daily, even gentle yoga, even with no other exercise, would still keep me thin because I am doing it mindfully, joyfully, and because it leads me to see my body differently and eat differently.
I could be wrong about that, though. I can't judge that one based on the last six weeks because I have lost weight due to illness. We'll see. Meanwhile, I think I'll take up walking as well just to get the benefit of being outside and moving my body mindfully that way.
So there you have it. One Girl's Experience With Yoga and Meditation. I'll try not to go kooky on you, but don't mind me if I like to share my joy.
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